I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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