dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
