So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
