WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
