I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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