she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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