NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize