No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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