Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
