____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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