one two three fourrrrnication!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
