I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
