I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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