Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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