I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
