I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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