im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
