Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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