I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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