you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
