The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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