Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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