he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
