Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
