I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
