Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
