I bet he comes in French.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
