Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
