let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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