i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
