I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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