Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
