Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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