You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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