Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
