It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
