Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
