my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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