i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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