2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
