you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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