I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
