you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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