She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You can't special order awesome
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
