she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
