Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
