she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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