My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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