we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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