She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
