But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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