1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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