I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
