1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
