I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
