So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize