So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
