What a fucking waste of an outfit
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Someone signed my nipple.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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