apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
