Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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