it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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